By Michael Quinn - guest post
former KNWS 51 anchor and abc13 KTRK web producer
It is the first time I have ever written a story that is so personal. This is the story of my secret battle with depression. We have read about famous people who were apparently battling depression--Robin Williams, Anthony Bourdain and Kate Spade. As I read those stories in the past and on the morning word of Anthony Bourdain's suicide broke, I never thought I would be so close to a similar situation had I not received the proper treatment.
In late October 2018, my mother Janeanne Marie Maisonville passed away. She was nun for the first three years of her adult life from 1958-1961 as Sister James Regina, then married for 50-years to my father Charles Edward Maisonville.
Yes, my father proposed to a nun.
Now, with both my parents gone, I kept on working and ignoring what was happening to me.
A return
It was a depression that had hit me three other times in my life--1993 when I came to Houston to anchor at KNWS-TV 51, 1998 while working at Florida's News Channel and 2004 when I was in Charlotte, North Carolina. There were no triggers--life was good, my financial situations were solid, some of the episodes were in the summer or winter and the only commonality linking each episode was me.
I know my father suffered from depression--I always figured it was his work in Alaska on the pipeline and the lack of sunlight. This was genetic. I knew it. Mine was about to hit me like a Category 5 hurricane. My weight would drop from 205 lbs. to 173 lbs. in a matter of weeks.
We live in Houston and know a great deal about hurricanes. We can board up, stock up and pray, but the hurricane will eventually make landfall. We cannot stop it. My Category 5 depression was going to make landfall--nothing was going to stop it, not medication or meditation. I have to educate doctors about my form of depression, "It's going to hit me no matter what. Please listen to me," I would tell them, "My father had this." Doctors sit and listen to a man in his 50s already suffering from a fear of falling asleep, a man who makes it a practice not to go to funerals because he is uncomfortable with finality (I never went to either of my parents funerals and my father never went to funerals either), a man who about to experience near fatal depression.
The storm
By mid-December my depression was hitting me. I live alone and we are depression's best friends--those who live alone. I knew that I did not have the ambition to answer my phone or send a text (I did send a few when necessary). And my small dog, Astro, would not leave my side, and many times when I woke up from a rest, would be standing on my chest not looking at me, but off in a distance--that stoic look dogs give when they are protecting someone.
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| Quinn with his dog Astro at a Houston area dog park (Astro has his own Facebook page ‘Astro The Adopted Dog’). He credits Astro with helping him through his struggle with depression. |
"God if this is how I am to end, please let me join you peacefully," I would say to myself as warm tears stretched down the side of my face, "I miss you mom, I miss you mom", is what I usually would say to myself with my Bible near me. I sleep next to my Bible. I was not hungry and did not care to eat--I had no hunger pains throughout my ordeal. This was a dangerous situation--a secret crisis unfolding in the privacy of my own place. The two worst things were about to unfold--I was accepting my potential outcome and my body was beginning to starve itself to death. Keep in mind, there were no hunger pains and I had no idea how serious the situation was--I live alone.
I began to think of my life and milestones, turning points and my relationship with God. I reached out to personal friends, as well as friends in the media who knew me well--I text them about my situation finally, thinking that if I did, everything would be okay. I reached out to those in my Bible Study group at Crosspoint Church in Bellaire. It's difficult to text anything during a Category 5 storm--they were few test messages, but important ones. I was certain this was where my life was to end. When you are in a situation like this, and you cannot find the ambition to get help because you feel it is that far out of control, you accept what is about to happen.
For someone who makes it a practice not to go to funerals, I knew KTRK-TV Vice President of News Wendy Granato and several other friends would oversee reading my eulogy--a few had the updated pass code to my cell phone so they can get into it and I knew ABC13's Katherine Whaley, as well as a few others media people in town, were to read scriptures from the Bible. I asked Katherine to read one of her choosing summing up our friendship.
During this time, there was one friend who was so relentless about seeing me, I really think she would have called the police and busted into my place, emergency medicine physician Joanne Oakes, MD. I texted Katherine that Joanne was going to see me, which put Wendy, Katherine and abc13.com executive producer Gina Larson at ease. Katherine was so concerned on a call, I think she would have busted down the door, too. Longtime friends Melanie Johnson and Todd Duplantis continued to urge me to get professional help. They wanted to make sure I was getting help.
In the world of depression, everything could be great or crashing around you, but none of it matters--the only thing that matters is what is happening inside of you. My body, not my mind, wanted it over. My body and mind were in constant negotiation about what I was doing on any given day. My mind would want to eat, my body was not going to have any of it. I was in a compatible relationship with this disease. I was going to starve in my place and someone was going to find me after Christmas.
By January 2019, my situation was still a crisis, but in my world it was stable. I was going to lick this on my own--it was the worst mistake I could ever have made. When you are not eating properly or not eating at all, your mind, not just your body gets weak. I saw my electric toothbrush move on its own near my sink. I saw the mirror shift from side to side, but I was determined to get passed this. It was not the case.
"You are very brave", said one of the emergency medicine physicians who pointed out that most people don't seek help. All the victims of depression who do not seek help, famous people with resources and those are not well known and die alone.
Getting help
At the hospital, they were working around the clock to make sure I was going to eat. Eventually I gained back some of my appetite. The reality of that is no cell phone, no shoe laces or sharp objects and there was food in front of me three times a day and group sessions too. I now weigh 187 lbs.
I ask anyone who reads this story to please get help earlier than I did--please go to your doctor, an ER, tell someone about your situation. Do not keep it a secret. If you have a family member with depression, talk to them about it--make sure you know the warning signs and triggers. I hope my story will help you.
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Quinn is a former Houston TV journalist who was worked as an anchor at KNWS 51 and as a web producer at abc13 KTRK.
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